


Outsider

by anastasiapullingteeth



Series: Not A Wasted Heart [1]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Apothiromantic, Aromantic, Coming Out, Eventual Happy Ending, Facebook, Internalized Arophobia, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasiapullingteeth/pseuds/anastasiapullingteeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a boy in Enjolras’ English class that keeps flirting with him, despite the blond’s constant rejections. Enjolras is about to tell him he’s not interested when a sudden thought crosses his mind: what if he just… tries?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Outsider

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to [**#AggressivelyArospecWeek**](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/aggressivelyarospecweek).
> 
> Talking with Meeni about this a few weeks ago, I said I'd write about Courfeyrac in my series [Sweet Children](http://archiveofourown.org/series/109166) (who's aro/pan), but I wanted to do this a bit closer to my own experience. Let's see how it goes.
> 
>  **Apothiromantic:** An aromantic who is also romance repulsed.

His name is Grantaire. He has dark, curly hair that he always ties up at the nape of his head, and sits at the front, three rows to the left of Enjolras. When the teacher is writing on the board, he chats with Cosette, one of his friends, and snorts at his own jokes unashamedly; he has a bad habit of chewing gum annoyingly loud and never takes notes but somehow manages to get pretty decent grades. He wears an old, green hoodie almost at every class, and his eyes, gray and heavy, are always directed at Enjolras.

The blond knows all this because he can't help but to feel Grantaire staring at him all the time in the most unbearable way. He's hyper aware of his presence, of the way his gaze forces him to look back at him and how he asks for a smile with a barely perceptive curve of his thin lips. Every Monday, when the class is over, Grantaire rushes to the door before Enjolras has a chance to leave and murmurs a soft "See you next week," exiting the room with the other students; Enjolras looks at him unimpressed, gathering his things with a bored expression on his face.

He tries to avoid him as much as he can, but not because he's afraid of him, he's just uncomfortable. As president of the debate club, he's used to be stared at during speeches and rallies, but it's never with that intensity, with that insistence. He wonders what about him is that Grantaire finds so fascinating. He's just a normal guy, there's nothing particularly special about him; except, maybe, the way he talks, but that's hardly a good reason since Grantaire's not really into politics or social issues and, as far as he knows, he's never been in one of their protests. He would ask, but doesn't know him well enough to do that.

They're two months into the school year when their English teacher announces what it is perhaps the worst idea she's ever had in her professional life: to work, in couples, on an assignment worth a 40% of their grade.

Enjolras can work with other people, of course he can, but as he walks out of the room behind Mrs. Gutiérrez, who's holding a list with their names to paste on the board hanging on the hallway, Enjolras feels a rush of fear running down his spine: what if he has to work with Grantaire? The probabilities are high: their last names are one under the other. He approaches the board, mentally begging for a different partner, and his eyes almost pop out of their sockets at seeing Grantaire's name next to his on the list. He can't think of a good excuse to ask the teacher to let him work with someone else; Grantaire hasn't done anything to him and "he makes me uncomfortable" could be misinterpreted.

"Oh, boy," someone snorts and Enjolras turns around in time to see Grantaire standing right behind him, with a crooked smile on his face. "I'll have to thank my lucky star tonight. Tell me whenever you want us to meet for this, _partner_ ," the other boy says, stressing the last word to a point that makes Enjolras visibly cringe. With that, Grantaire walks down the hallway and they don't talk again until three weeks later when it becomes imperative that they start working on the project.

 

It turns out, Grantaire is not as bad as Enjolras had expected, and even is a little funny when he's not trying to drive Enjolras out of his mind. They would sit on the back room the debate team had booked in a local Café every other day before the meetings, and pushed the books and notes aside when the rest of the team shows up. The dark haired boy is on his best behavior, slipping some lewd comments here and there, but above all he keeps them to himself and focuses on the task at hand. After a few days, Grantaire decides to stay for the meetings, too, and begins to hang out with some of Enjolras' friends while tearing apart every single one of the blond's arguments; it seems he knows more about the issues they talk about than he lets on, and Enjolras finds that incredibly fascinating.

Jehan and Courfeyrac, both with enviable people skills, establish some sort of friendship with the boy in no time, so it doesn't come as a surprise when Grantaire sends Enjolras a friend request on Facebook. Enjolras accepts it without really thinking about it; he barely uses his account, anyway, and it's a fastest way to contact him in case they need to discuss something about the project.

"He likes you." Courfeyrac approaches him one day after a meeting and informs him in a singing voice. "And I mean, he likes _likes_ you."

Enjolras rolls his eyes and sighs tiredly. "Please, don't-"

"Wait! I know that face!" Courfeyrac says, cheerfully. "You already knew that, didn't you? Am I sensing a crush here? Because, let me tell you, you'd make an adorable couple. You're perfect for each other! Think about it: You love a good discussion and god, doesn't he love discussing with you." Courfeyrac chatters without stop.

Enjolras breathing quickens and he has to close his eyes to stop that feeling growing in his stomach, like all his muscles had tensed and were crushing his guts. "Courf, could you please shut up?" he says, breathless.

"Why? You're not straight, are you?" Courfeyrac doesn't notice Enjolras' distress and his question comes out mockingly; the blond doesn't comment on it.

"No, but... Just don't ever mention that again, okay?"

Courfeyrac frowns, catching up with Enjolras' anxiety. "I was joking... You okay? What's the matter?"

"It's nothing, but please, don't talk about that."

"Okay, sorry..."

Enjolras is aware he should explain himself but doesn't know how and is not exactly ready to come out yet, so he pats Courfeyrac's shoulder as an apology for being so harsh and walks out of the room with Combeferre.

The thing is Enjolras knows he's aromantic, he's known for over a year now. He stumbled upon the word one night, almost by accident, and spent the next five days reading everything he could on the subject. It was hard to accept at the beginning -it's not the same thinking you don't want to fall in love at the moment than knowing that, to some extent, you're incapable of it, even if it's not one of your priorities-, but as he's learned more about it, he's coming to realize this is in fact a big part of who he is. He's still in the process of making peace with himself, but he'll get there.

He hasn't told anyone about it, though, not even Combeferre; he's afraid they won't believe him. "You're just too serious", they'd say, "you need to warm up to people, and you'll find that special someone, someone that complements you". He's heard it before, and is sick of it.

 

Months later, when the end of the semester is approaching fast and while Enjolras is working late on his sociology paper, Grantaire decides that is the perfect time to start conversation with him and sends him a short message on Facebook. Is a lonely "hi" that Enjolras debates whether or not to answer. It's not the first time he's tried to engage him in small talk via Messenger, and they've had very constructive conversations a few times already. Enjolras is tired and only wants to go to sleep, but he's come to consider Grantaire a friend and is trying to be more polite, even when he doesn't like it; after a pained groan, he replies with an equally short message. 

 

> _**Enjolras:** Hi._
> 
> _**R:** working late, I see_  
>  _**R:** need help?_

Enjolras actually rolls his eyes at that.

> _**Enjolras:** No._  
>  _**Enjolras:** But thank you._
> 
> _**R:** any time, babe_  
>  _**R:** oops, sorry_
> 
> _**Enjolras:** Is there anything you need to talk about?_

He types back, exasperated. He doesn't have time or patience for this, and he'd rather go back to work on his paper and maybe catch some sleep before his morning class.

> _**R:** nope. but I'd appreciate some company_

"You have other friends", Enjolras whispers to the screen. "Go talk to them."

> _**R:** you looked good today. red is def your color_

_Oh, no. Here we go again,_ Enjolras thinks, ready to close the tab. Grantaire is acting a bit off, he's usually more subtle with the flirting. Enjolras takes the chance and instead decides to ask something he’s been wondering for months.

> _**Enjolras:** Why me?_

He's not sure if it's clear for Grantaire what he means, but an answer comes right after and, in a few seconds, Grantaire has written a small paragraph, like he'd been waiting for that question since the first day.

> _**R:** are you serious? you're astounding, dude. your presence imposes as soon as you enter a room, it's like you were glowing. and can I be honest? you're beautiful. you're like a greek god, y'know? all pale and marble like skin and rosy lips that I..._
> 
> _**R:** has anyone ever kissed you Enjolras?_

Enjolras is speechless, staring at his laptop screen with his hands clutching the edge of his desk. That's much more than he'd expected a minute ago. He'd thought Grantaire only enjoyed seeing him flustered. By then, he'd become accustomed to Grantaire's moves; he'd taken them as a joke and that way he could handle them, but this… This is too real and that frightens him. He feels the anxiety growing back in his stomach, but he thinks it's normal to feel uneasy after unwanted advances. Everyone feels like that, right? ... Then why is he feeling that unbearable pressure on his chest? He regrets having asked, but regrets even more his next answer.

> _**Enjolras:** No._
> 
> _**R:** well, we can have that, can we?_  
>  _**R:** I'll be glad to help, if you let me_

He closes his laptop without saying goodbye and gets under the covers of his bed. He'd wanted to test how far Grantaire would go, giving in to his curiosity, and was surprise at the extent of the boy's crush. His intention had been to show everyone they were overreacting and that the other boy was just playing, but he wasn't... Images of Grantaire kissing him flood Enjolras’ mind and he feels slightly sick in the stomach. He tucks his head under the covers, trying to push the images away and reproaching himself at same time; he doesn't like those thoughts, he shouldn't be feeling those things, but he can't control them. Grantaire is a good guy, why can't he... Why does he have to be like that? Was he really that _cold_? He's the one that's a horrible person, not Grantaire.

The next morning is harder for Enjolras than usual. He's tired and his head hurts, but gets ready for school anyway. He opens the Messenger App in his cellphone while he's eating a light breakfast, and sees Grantaire had sent him a couple of messages last night after the blond had abruptly disappeared. For a second, he wonders if he should apologize and decides that not, Grantaire was insufferable anyway, it's his own fault. He opens the messages anyway.

> _**R:** Enj? u there? I need to ask u something_
> 
> _**R:** Enjolras?_

Trusting he can handle it -and hoping Grantaire isn't awake yet to see it right away- he writes back.

> _**Enjolras:** What is it?_

He doesn't get an answer while he finishes his breakfast and he doesn't check his phone during the rest of the day; by the time he gets back to the dormitories, he's already forgotten about it. He's at his laptop, adding the final paragraphs to his English paper when he thinks that maybe he should ask Grantaire about it before printing the thing. They were a team and, to be honest, the other boy had done a good job throughout the project. On the other hand, he really doesn't want to talk to him. Could he get out with not asking his classmate his opinion on an assignment so important? He knows he wouldn't let himself do that so, reluctantly, he sends Grantaire a message on Facebook, once again.

> _**Enjolras:** I have the final version of our work for Mrs. Gutiérrez. Want to take a look?_

He's reading over what he wrote for the third time when a beep on the other window on his laptop screen informs him Grantaire has answered. He takes his time before checking the message, though, just because he can.

> _**R:** suuuuure, I'll see anything you want to show me_

Enjolras rolls his eyes again and sends the file without another word; if Grantaire has anything to add, he sure as hell would tell Enjolras. The window beeps again not long after and he braces himself for the worst. Discussing with Grantaire is entertaining but he still has a headache.

> _**R:** hey_  
>  _**R:** remember yesterday?_  
>  _**R:** I had a ? for u_
> 
> _**Enjolras:** Yes, you had a question._

He types obnoxiously because he hates incomplete words and weird sentences. He's learned to decipher them but that doesn't mean he likes them.

> _**Enjolras:** It was about the project?_
> 
> _**R:** fuck no_  
>  _**R:** not that_  
>  _**R:** Enj_  
>  _**R:** marry me?_

_Wait, what?_

> _**Enjolras:** Excuse me?_
> 
> _**R:** haha ahh a, shit, can't believe I asked u that but yeah marry me_  
>  _**R:**?_

For the second time while talking to Grantaire, Enjolras turns off his laptop without another word and hides under the covers of his bed.

 

"I'm so, so sorry, dude," is the first thing Grantaire says the next time he sees him. "You won't believe it but I was drunk. Both days. It was just me being stupid, forget I said anything".

Enjolras nods and changes the subject; if he starts to consciously think of the implication of Grantaire's words, he might have an anxiety attack right there in the hallway. "I took the liberty of printing our project. You can look at it," he says to distract himself and hands him the paper.

"Sure, sorry, it's okay," Grantaire babbles, not even glancing down at the paper in his hands.

Enjolras doesn't feel like arguing with Grantaire, he's just happy the semester is finally over. After today's meeting, he'll have enough free time to focus on his own business; he still has to figure out a few things about himself. "Fine, can you hand it over, please?

"Sure. Hey, uh..." Grantaire stops him before he can walk away. "I'll see you later in the meeting, I... There's something I need to tell you after."

"Okay."

After the meeting, Grantaire waits for the rest of their friends to leave before he approaches Enjolras at his table. Combeferre and Courfeyrac are both still there but, as soon as they see him coming, say their goodbyes and walk out of the room. Grantaire fidgets on the chair he's sat on and it's only then when Enjolras thinks he may know where this is going. He doesn't like it.

"So..." Grantaire starts. "That... weird ass confession on Facebook? Yeah, it's true," he says in one breath before shaking his head frantically. "I mean, not the marriage proposal, that'd be creepy, but I do, uh, I do like you."

"Oh..." it's all Enjolras manages to say. He wants to stop the other boy right away but the words get stuck in his throat. He can see this is hard for Grantaire and he doesn't want to be disrespectful, but he also doesn't want to lead him on the wrong direction.

"And I was thinking- Damn, why is this so hard to say?! Okay, I was thinking that, maybe, we could go... out on a date? Sometime?"

Enjolras is not really listening at this point since a weird thought has crossed his mind: Could he be Grantaire's boyfriend?

Someone had told him time ago that he only needed to date once to get the appeal of it. What if they were right? He'd been avoiding it so far, but what if he'd been mistaken? He turns to look at Grantaire -who somehow is still talking even though Enjolras hasn't said a word in a while. Could he do that to him? Maybe if they become boyfriends, Enjolras could get used to the whole thing, maybe he would even like it... maybe he could actually fall in love with Grantaire.

He looks down again and bites the nail of his index finger, trying to picture himself doing all the things boyfriends are supposed to do. Going out on dates, holding hands, snuggling, kissing... He's not a tactile person himself, but doesn't see anything wrong with those things, until... until he sees them as something romantic. His stomach twists like it always does and his palms are sweating. He can't do this; the mere thought is making him anxious. He clenches and unclenches his hands and gets to his feet in one move.

"Sorry," he says and walks away from Grantaire.

Enjolras runs to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. He feels like all the oxygen has left his lungs and has become harder to breath. The panic is subduing slowly, once he assures himself that he's fine, nothing happened, and even when a small part of him wonders why on Earth had he overreacted like that, he's too worried on steadying himself to pay it any thought at the moment.

"Enjolras?" Grantaire calls from behind the door; Enjolras hadn't expected him to follow and the voice surprises him. "Look, I get it if you're not into boys-"

"It's not that" he says and his voice sounds broken even to his own ears. He clears his throat. "It's not that", he repeats and hates himself for being so damn dramatic. He opens the door and Grantaire is just standing there, looking lost. He walks past him and sits at a nearby table. "Sorry for that."

Grantaire follows suit. "It's okay... So, you _are_ into boys."

"It's harder to explain," he mumbles, lowering his head.

"Try?"

He owes him that much, he _knows_ , but can't bring himself to form words coherently yet.

"What is it?" Grantaire asks and Enjolras finally looks up at him. He doesn't ask 'what's wrong' or 'what's going on' and the blond is grateful because, at that moment, the last thing he needs is more guilt. "I've seen you," Grantaire adds. "In the meetings? You always look uncomfortable, especially when Marius and Cosette are around. What is it?"

"There's something wrong with me." Enjolras mutters. "I, uhm, I'm..." He has to come out to Grantaire, there's no other way to do this. He closes his eyes, lowering his head again in an attempt to avoid Grantaire's judging eyes. "I'm aromantic." Silence meets his confession and he only dares to open his eyes when it stretches for too long. He looks at the other boy and would've laughed at the expression on his face if the circumstances had been different. "You don't know what that is, do you?"

"Uhm, no. Sorry."

Enjolras sighs. He doesn't like the prospect of having to explain what aromanticism is; in an ideal world, he wouldn't have to do it, he could simply say the word and everyone would know what he means. But this is the real life and in real life he has to give everyone he comes out to a lesson on vocabulary. It's tiring, but if he wants Grantaire to understand him, he has to do it.

"It means that I, uh, that I don't-"

"Wait, does it have anything to do with asexuality? Because I've heard of that."

Well, that's the best he can ask for, he can work with that.

"Yeah, sort of. But with romance. Basically, I don't... I don't fall in love."

An awkward silence falls upon them and Enjolras practically can see Grantaire processing the new information. The blond waits, tugging at the sleeves of his sweater as he unconsciously bites his lower lip. After what seems an eternity, Grantaire's gray eyes focus on him and Enjolras has to look away; there's a veil of hurt on them that Enjolras can't help but to blame himself for it.

"Oh... Okay..." Grantaire whispers, apparently at loss of something better to say.

"You- you believe me?" Enjolras asks, panicking when Grantaire shifts a fraction away from him. _He's angry or maybe disgusted_ , he thinks, because why else would he be moving away from Enjolras with that frown in his face.

"Yeah, sure. You wouldn't lie about that." The other boy says, dismissively, as he looks around searching for something that Enjolras ignores. He rubs the palm of his hands on his thighs and stands up. "Well, I better go," he says avoiding Enjolras' eyes. "Good talk, see you soon."

With that, he walks out of the room, leaving Enjolras alone and confused. This is the first time he's in a situation like this; he sort of had expected it to go a little bit different.

 

During summer break, the debate team reduces their meetings to once every two weeks. Grantaire doesn't show up in the first of them after Enjolras came out to him, so the blond doesn't expect to see him until the classes begin again. Combeferre is talking to the group at large when the door of the back room they're gathered at cracks open; a mop of black hair peeks inside the room and Grantaire walks in, waving his hand to greet them and taking a seat next to Bahorel. Enjolras tries not to look at him; he still feels guilty for what happened almost a month ago.

They call it quits half an hour later when they notice no one is paying attention, too preoccupied in their own conversations. Enjolras thinks about leaving as soon as he has a chance; since literally all his friends that stayed in the city were dating someone, he has nothing to do there and has started to feel left out.

"Enj, don't go!" Jehan begs. "Sit with us for a little longer, we won't see you again in ages!"

He nods automatically and lets his bag back on the floor next to his chair. Someone taps his shoulder gently, barely five minutes later, and he turns around, grateful of having something else to do instead of pretending he's not ready to storm out of the room. But he's about to do exactly that anyway because the person behind him is no other than Grantaire, who's brought a chair with him and is now sitting a few inches away from Enjolras with a determined look on his face.

"Grantaire-"

"I read the article you mentioned that one time," the other boy interrupts him. He's sitting with his arms over the backrest of the chair and the wood makes a noise when he shifts to make himself more comfortable. "I have a few points I need to discuss with you because this just doesn't make sense. First of all..."

They spend the rest of the evening talking about the article until the last of their friends says goodbye. Grantaire walks with him out of the Café and is when they're waiting at the bus stop that Enjolras speaks again. "What was that all about?" he asks.

Grantaire shoves his hands inside the pockets of his jeans and shrugs. "I thought you could use a distraction."

"From what?"

"You know. They were doing that stuff. Where they're all... annoyingly clingy and stuff."

"Oh..." _So he'd noticed, too_. "Thanks."

Grantaire looks at him out of the corner of his eye. "I've been thinking of what you said," he adds. "About being aromatic and all that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You said there was something wrong with you but never mentioned what it was, so... What it is? If you don't mind me asking."

Grantaire appears to be more open to talk about Enjolras' situation now and seems genuinely curious about the whole thing; it sure won't hurt to tell him what's being bothering Enjolras. "I don't know why, but I get uncomfortable when all the romance is happening close to me... Or is directed at me. But, like, really uncomfortable." _I'm-on-the-verge-of-a-panic-attack levels of uncomfortable._

"Mhhh." Grantaire nods, like he knows exactly what Enjolras means.

"You don't seem bothered about it... Why?"

Grantaire kicks a stone and a light blush spreads over his cheeks. "I've been reading stuff since we talked. I wanted to understand and, well, I don't think there's something wrong with you, that's just how you are," he shrugs again, finally looking at the blond. "There are a few things I still haven't got, but I was thinking that, if it's okay with you, maybe we could be friends? I won't push your boundaries again, I promise."

"You... want to be my friend?" Enjolras asks, incredulous; shouldn't Grantaire be mad at him? Why was he asking to be Enjolras' friend after he'd rejected him? "I don't get it..."

Grantaire sighs and turns to face him completely. "Look, I'll be honest here. That last conversation we had hurt like a motherfucker, okay? I felt- Whatever, doesn't matter. The thing is, I've been reading about it and I think I get it. It's not, like, your fault, you know? You can't control it and it's fine, you don't have to!" he rushes to add before Enjolras can complain. "But I still like you and I'm okay with being your friend because you're fun to be around and I thought that maybe I could help you feel less uncomfortable with the others. If you want..."

Enjolras considers it for a moment -mostly because he was already convinced that they were friends, but it seems Grantaire needs the affirmation more than Enjolras. "You won't try to..." he trails off.

"Make you change your mind? No! Of course not. I'm genuinely interested in your friendship, I swear. Trust me."

"Okay... Yeah, I'd like that."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Am I the only one who knows about it?" Grantaire asks the next day.

_Enjolras nods._

"Why?"

_He shrugs._

"You should tell them," Grantaire says. "They'll understand."

_Enjolras smiles._

Someday, maybe. He's hopeful now.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't help adding that happy ending because that's how I would've liked it had gone for me, lmao.
> 
> Anyway, you can find my other works for this event [here](http://anastasiapullingteeth.tumblr.com/tagged/aa%2A). And don't forget to check the blog **[**aggressivelyarospec**](https://aggressivelyarospec.tumblr.com)** and support arospec creators! Thanks for reading ❤.


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